Raw Goods

God, Inc.

God, Inc. won the contract to reconstruct the Universe. Actually, you can't really say they "won" the contract, since it was it was a no-contest contract. The company hired independent contractors, avoided paying health insurance, and over-charged for second rate goods, like flesh that decomposed when not continuously provided with steady quantities of oxygen and nutrients, bones that broke at a laughable degree of torque, and flames that consumed solids on contact, rather than lending themselves to pleasurable interchanges of matter and vacuum, like the plasmoids in most Universes.

God, Inc. was already a disreputable organization, however, having botched the job on previous creations, and the Universal Regulators knew this, but looked the other way when God waved hush-money in their immortal faces. How else could you explain how they let such poor design fly? The Big Bang - come on, give me a break. Any professional chef knows that you don't start cooking before you've got your ingredients all laid out in mise-en-place; the Big Bang's just like throwing your eggs on a hot skillet before you've even sliced your onions. You can see the reprecussions of this everywhere - earthquakes, floods, massacres...even quasars, cool as they are, are just effects of an unstable gravity field.

And just try to migrate to a different universe - they've got the borders closed. Not that they'd even tell you where the borders are - whether this is an open universe, a closed universe, an expanding universe, or a shrinking universe, the results are the same: as soon as you approach a black hole, you're dead, and nobody ever hears from you again; all we're left with is the image of you, your face frozen in farewell, like from the snapshots we've dug up and cropped to copy onto "Missing" posters and plaster all over the city. This Universe sucks. And it isn't just the gravity. It's the damned nihilists on the board of directors at God, Inc., ruining it all for the rest of us.

posted by judy j @ 5:12 PM