the end of the story
just because. just because the sentences don't end, like the landscapes. because the mix of how she moves from thoughts to deeds, place to past, memories to wish. it doesn't have to be that way, the words we said didn't have to be the words we said, the way he carries his shoulders and head don't begin to describe the longing that resides inside, when the sound of a whisker scratches the surface of a page he's reading in the back room, where kitchen tiles stack on the paint-spattered counter and mountains peer through the cracked windows just enough to let us know that there's lots of places we haven't gone yet, so don't stop.
God, Inc.
God, Inc. won the contract to reconstruct the Universe. Actually, you can't really say they "won" the contract, since it was it was a no-contest contract. The company hired independent contractors, avoided paying health insurance, and over-charged for second rate goods, like flesh that decomposed when not continuously provided with steady quantities of oxygen and nutrients, bones that broke at a laughable degree of torque, and flames that consumed solids on contact, rather than lending themselves to pleasurable interchanges of matter and vacuum, like the plasmoids in most Universes.
God, Inc. was already a disreputable organization, however, having botched the job on previous creations, and the Universal Regulators knew this, but looked the other way when God waved hush-money in their immortal faces. How else could you explain how they let such poor design fly? The Big Bang - come on, give me a break. Any professional chef knows that you don't start cooking before you've got your ingredients all laid out in mise-en-place; the Big Bang's just like throwing your eggs on a hot skillet before you've even sliced your onions. You can see the reprecussions of this everywhere - earthquakes, floods, massacres...even quasars, cool as they are, are just effects of an unstable gravity field.
And just try to migrate to a different universe - they've got the borders closed. Not that they'd even tell you where the borders are - whether this is an open universe, a closed universe, an expanding universe, or a shrinking universe, the results are the same: as soon as you approach a black hole, you're dead, and nobody ever hears from you again; all we're left with is the image of you, your face frozen in farewell, like from the snapshots we've dug up and cropped to copy onto "Missing" posters and plaster all over the city. This Universe sucks. And it isn't just the gravity. It's the damned nihilists on the board of directors at God, Inc., ruining it all for the rest of us.
migraines and airplanes
i haven't told you yet about the carnival tour, that once-a-year visit to houston and sacramento, when tornados and thunderstorms shut down the midway when federal agents weren't doing it. we set up bumper boats and machine-gun games soon after twin towers crashed, and john told me that the los angeles show was completely shut down by the time september 12th dawned on the west coast. i've often suspected that he was a wanted felon, though, with the way he didn't want his picture taken, so that may not be his real name, but i trust his stories as far as he could throw his hat, which was pretty far, especially in the astrodome, where dylan played in purple velvet and hurricaine refugees sat and waited, shat and wailed, while relief went to those who could afford flood insurance. i was standing waist-deep in still waters while the skies swirled, and we weren't selling any tickets, so i quit that job, too, and went to san francisco before malnutrition emaciated me further, but that's telling too many secrets.
oysters on the half-shell
bolt 'em - they got flavor. fire in the pit, much different than fire in the hole; one resides in half a barrel-become-barbecue, and one lives on in the shudders of night sweats and stifled shouts. i don't need to tell you that he was a grunt, and you don't need to know that oysters on the half-shell came my way once a year, when the Showfolks of America parked their trailers around the horseshoe pits and raised a ruckus to rival the primal screams of lennon and yoko, those visages left behind when he put down his glass stein and brass star and married her before she'd graduated high school. she got kicked out for being pregnant when she was sixteen, but she wasn't the same person, then, and never will be.
quit my job
janitor's apprentice masturbates on the protestant pulpit; do they even have a pulpit in that church, or do they rely more on the mount of transfiguration? fifty pence to see the live show, and this is where we learned about betrayal, between the tunnels of broken hands and signal punches, so don't quit your job just yet, there's still a little room to breath, as long as we can smell redwood scruff when it's under our nose. we made dirt to the tune of arkansas abortions and sandy gravel shovel swipes, lost in the pace of scrape and toss, scrape and mix, so it didn't matter so much that we weren't ever going to work our way out of debt. her father thought i was trying to procure her, but he didn't know that i was already owned by an unspoken want to become a woman, to quit my job and leave behind the man that i was raised to become and disgrace. so that's dignity, for ya - if you want it.
a vocabulary for young fathers
evelyn said, 'meet me in philadelphia next week,' so i quit my job and bought a greyhound ticket, 'cuz that's what you do when an eighty-four year old woman tells you she's going to die soon; at least, that's what you do if you're me and you've just cracked your tailbone while parking cars outside the strip club on Burnside. i fell asleep until utah and then drew pictures of distant horizons to amuse the snotty kids. 'i just rode this bus three days to get these kids from their dad,' their mother said, 'and i'm about to ride it three days more to bring them back to massachusetts,' so don't fuck with me, was the underlying message, and we didn't.
the morning shift
anonymous stopped me on the down side of the morrison bridge and asked if i knew a place where she could stay for the night that wasn't involved with fog and concrete. for the last time, why didn't i tell her she could stay with me? she had a camoflague shirt torn at the neck and broad shoulders, thick where she swung her arms wide while we walked to the coffee shop and i called in to say i'd be late for the morning shift. bulky boots cluttered under gutter drifts as we sipped mushroom tea steam from the same thermos that i'd carried when we got arrested, not her and me, but me and someone else, and not the exact object, but the similar form for identical function, so how do we identify those we can trust, if not in the resemblance of head tilt and slow gaze before leaning in to kiss a cheek? this was two days before i brought home Dave and Crisis; one slept on the floor and one left soon after we ate boxed aborio rice. soon after, i quit my job and left portland on a four-day bus trip, but that's another story.
a different laugh
frank said he was kenny roger's brother, but we didn't really believe him, not me, not simon, and certainly not mustapha, who wasn't there in person at the moment, but who had a habit of showing up just when we were breaking into one of the customer's cars and playing their radios, so it was kinda like he was always there, even when he wasn't. simon said i danced like a wasn't a white man, which was nice of him but made me feel kinda awkward, so i just gestured towards the lexus and said, it's the music, and he laughed and repeated, it's the music that moves you? and i had to laugh at myself, too, it was so pathetic - like the time frank tested me for diabetes with his finger sticker, and i just bled and bled, or when simon told me no, i don't live in the albina, you think that just because i'm black, don't you. he laughed then, too, but it was a different laugh.
Tehachapi
{dramatis personae:
J. - former inmate
1. fiery declamations
2. quiet encouragement
3. blithely optimistic
4. cautious determination
5. sedate, serious
6. irreverent, but down-to-earth}
ALL ON STAGE: GO.
J- [I was just released.
Talk to me, I'll listen.
All I ask is that you always keep it real with me.
Deal?]
1. My Baby is momentarily residing in your facility
2. my man used to be there but now is in corcoran
3. my dad just got sent to tehachapi last week.
4. my honey just got transfered there from orange county jail.
5. My babe was moved mid week to 4 A gym
6. my man is in tehachapi also but he is in the shu until july he just got transferred there from folsom
1. My fiance has been in reception for 4weeks now
2. I have one son in prison and one in the army
3. My husband has been there since April.
4. my 1st love is up in tehachapi
5. my boyfriend is on Level 3
6. My Brother was just sent to Tehachapi
1. I can now join the club of the harrassed at CCI
I mean from potty watch to strip searches -
we were found INNOCENT each time -
to terminations for NO reason
to just plan ole nit-picking
why are they doing this?
6. They just keep trying to make it harder and harder.
4. This is my first time dealing with this.
I have no idea how to get info or where to call.
WHATS GOING TO HAPPEN?
2. Well, Don't Panic....thursday Night A Fight Broke Out With About 400 Inmates Involved.... I Wish I Could Tell You More. Hang In There.
6. I went to visit yesterday and the whole prison was on lockdown.
There was a CO outside who had a chair with a sign
saying no visiting today due to a power outage.
5. I don't know who to believe.
I hate when they think we are stupid.
It's run by the state so who knows what they have in store.
6. I tried to call the regular line and they hung up on me again.
1. it took me a hour and a half to get through
this may sound crazy
I was trying from three different phones!
6. Oh my god I started calling at 7:28 am
i was on hold for 30 min
they picked up and hung up on me
3. I was using two phones my work and cell
I finally got a ring at 7:55
I was on hold until 8:18 when they answered
5. The recording said
that as of 12/16/06
all hispanic inmates
located in Level 4A 1-5
are on lockdown.
2. Merry Christmas, everyone.
J. [That's how they do it.
Whatever race does something,
that's who gets put on lockdown.
They come into our cells
searching for weapons,
this time because an inmate
was stabbed.]
1. I don't know what's up.
I do know you're not alone.
Anyone else having problems?
6. They accused my husband and I of excessive contact.
This time they used the fact that I used profanity to get me suspended.
3. This past weekend my visit with my husband was TERMINATED,
I was humiliated and told to strip because
THEY assumed I was transporting DRUGS.
6. The visiting check-in point is just as bad,
sometimes they will say the computers are down and
TERMINATE EVERYONE'S visit, just because they are LAZY!!!
5. We were going to visit and have my 86 year old mother with us.
Her health is that of an 86 year old
maybe a bit better than average but
she still stresses over whether or not she will see him again.
J. [eleven years, unseen tears,
hidden fears, disloyal peers]
2. Okay, Here is the deal:
The CDOC does NOT own the solar system.
It sucks, but remember: it is part of "the life" we live.
6. My husband just called me last night
and said they found a case of Tuberculosis on Level 2.
They have quarantined one dorm and might start quarentining more.
I'm supposed to have my family visit this weekend
but that might not happen now.
Has anyone heard anything about this?
3. I spent New Year's with my husband and kids
and that's all I could ask for!
4. God, *I* need some kind of stress relief.
5. My hubby called last night to tell me
that the guy they thought had TB died and it wasn't TB.
He doesn't tell me too much, i practically have to threaten him!
J. [block phones, relationships blown,
kids grown, date unknown...]
5. My husband called yesterday.
We talked for a few minutes, and then
they hung up on us.
I havent heard back from him yet.
1. Who knows with the CDOC, they're crazy!
6. I have sent him at least 20 letters
and then I received a letter from him
wondering why he hasn't heard from me.
2. I started actually copying my letters
so if he does NOT get it I re-send it.
I mean you learn to come up
with all sorts of tricks.....
3. He sent me a really sad letter
he thought i wasn't writing him
had forgot about him...
4. I don't what to leave him hanging...
I put my life on the line for him,
but I'm confused - he wants me to marry him.
5. You should wait to get married in mainline.
The counselors won't take the time to do the paperwork.
They are so tied up trying to get guys moved out of reception to mainline,
so marriages are the last thing on their mind.
4. He has yet to see a counselor, is this the norm?
Will there be drug counseling available to him?
J. [Tehachapi was probably
the worst prison I've been to,
mainly because they offer no trades or any form of higher education.
There is no NA or AA programs. There are a lot of lifers that are required
to take certain things if they are ever to be paroled, but if you are one of
those individuals who can't afford
to pay for correspondence courses,
then you're just out of luck.]
3. Tehachapi is a cute little town.
There's plenty of places to stay
and things to do if you need to kill time.
5. My son and I always go a day ahead when we visit
and stay at the Best Western Mountain Inn..
.they have a really nice heated pool.
1. There's also a Kmart if you need to pick up some last minute whatever...
4. Can anyone tell me? Am I reading this stuff correctly?
I'm reading through the rules for clothing on the visitor form.
I am planning to fly down to visit next weekend.
Do facial piercings set off the metal detectors?
6. Only fake jewelry will set it off,
but not the surgical steel.
[prison attire, barbed wire,
chain-linked fences with live wire]
3. Just bring extra clothes in the car in case.
You can wear jeans, just not blue jeans.
Black or white are okay.
Sandals, flip flops are ok.
2. But most of all, CONGRATULATIONS on your first visit.
J. [I had a celly who I've known for a very long time,
since we were kids: our families have known each other
for over twenty-five years. So it helps to have someone
you can have some degree of trust with.
Hold your head up high, and stay strong.]
4. The hardest part of the whole process is getting the appointment.
1. Once you get there at the door they ask you,
ALL: "Appointment or non-appointment?"
2. They give you the slip accordingly;
3. you fill it out and drop it in the box and have a seat.
5. In a few minutes they call you up:
6. you give them your id,
1 .then you have to take off your jacket, shoes and
2. anything in your pockets and put it in a box.
3. You walk through the detector and
4. they hand you your box and the slip on the other side.
5. You put your shoes and stuff back on and go to this other person
6. where they stamp your hand -
1. - just like Chuckie Cheese's -
2. and you sit down
3. and wait...
ALL. ...and WAIT...
5. for them to call you for the bus.
6. Once you're on the bus and get off on level 3,
1. you go in that building,
2. hand the officer the slip and your id (again) -
3. he will show you where to go...
5. you walk down a walkway
6. go into yet another building
1. and hand them yet again your slip and id.
5. You have a seat,
6. and they will call you when they bring him out.
2. Good luck! It's not hard.
3. Tehachapi is not so bad,
when you consider what other places are like.
I never had any problems with COs.
They have WONDERFUL patios
where you can sit out and enjoy the sunshine.
There is a grass area,
where you can sit and talk or even walk.
I took our kids and they enjoyed it -
there was somewhere for them to run around and
be kids.
J. [maced and disgraced
because of race -
I was young when I went in.
I left an eight month-old little boy.
He's now thirteen.
- unlawful case,
locked in a small place]
4. Any cheap hotels close by? What are the prices?
5. Motel 6 is pretty cool.. its been out "spot" for awhile,
reason being, we used to go stay with a few people
and split the $40 a night in 3 or 2,
so it would help us financially.
2. Enjoy your visit!
3. Tehachapi was in the mountains and a really cute town.
I like how the train tracks run through the mountain side in the tunnels.
1. I have been going there EVERY weekend
non-stop for ten months
and it has gotten worse
but i refuse to let them BREAK me.
6. Last heard was they had been on lockdown since Superbowl Sunday.
3. I should have never said they are always nice to me.
my husband has been down for 6 years.
He was supposed to come home 2 weeks ago but
he was one of the ones stabbed in the riot on the 9th.
I was never notified by his counselor
he was in the hospital dying
(and I am not being dramatic)
I am sure if I wasn't there for him
they would have let him die on the floor of his dorm.
I don't wish this on anyone.
J. [tear gas, constantly harrassed by the brass...]
5. I wish i could say it gets better but it doesn't.
J. [...billy clubs, men devoid of love...]
5. The security guards are worse than the inmates.
Ten guards handcuffed him and jumped him.
They also poured hot water and oil on him
2. It is time to call the inmate family council.
I can't call her because my hunny is on level 3,
but it would be nice to complain to someone.
6. She was talking to my kids -
they were complaining how boring it is,
how they are not even allowed to run around
when they finally open the doors to go outside.
The next week when we came, there were
all kinds of new games and balls to play with.
3. Just hold your heads high -
my heart goes out to everyone
We are here to help.
4. I didn't even make it through the metal detector.
I wore a non-under wire bra and have two piercings,
one on my tongue and the monroe piercing.
They told me that something was settings it off in the chest area-
has anyone ever had this happen?
5. You should know things have changed.
No blue, brown, or grey of any kind.
A lot of people were not aware and
got turned away this past weekend.
6. It sucks cause most of my wardrobe consists of very bright colors:
i hate pink and i have black, but its so blah.
i have to dig through my wardrobe to find something to wear;
it's like they really do want us to look like nuns.
4. I need to go shopping just to see him -
looks like i'll make a tarjay trip
5. I can wear the same exact thing each time i visit
each time they will find something wrong with it
make me change as if i didnt just wear this outfit last visit.
1. No, it is the new lieutenant up in visiting.
He is trying to make them go by the book
all the co's are confused because they haven't followed it for so long.
2. I have notice that if you make small talk
ask them how their day is and just be nice
they treat you a lot better.
[anger swells
convicts rebel
in this living hell]
6. This is where he'll be until he gets out in July, I can't wait!
2. You're not alone!
5. Don't be scared for you husband, though,
or you will drive your self totally wacko!
6. I can deal with it!
2. I can help ya out!
[lockdowns, mini 14 rounds -
You quickly learn who's who
when it comes to those inmates
that are trying to educate themselves -
hit the ground, reality profound]
4. I got there kind of late
but at least i saw him
he did surprise me though,
he got my name tattoed
on his neck
i was shocked
it's pretty big and so noticeable.
it's a little bit below the ear.
can he get in trouble for getting a tattoo in there?
J. [Just "Do You," it's the only way to survive prison life -
lonely days, family members passing away,
sane, you gotta stay sane, stay sane, you gotta stay sane...]
6. How do you guys deal with this..I miss him so much...
4. 16 more months LEFT! That is what truely keeps me going
and the fact that I am head over heels for my hubby....
and honestly what prison is cool?? NONE...
2. Keep your head up, though,
you are smart and educated!
1. It is NOT getting any better, no matter how many 602s you file.
The buses are OLD and have NO HEATER what so ever,
or they barely make it up the hill.
That place is HELL...The 202 is the Highway to hell.
6. I am just venting, but man,
do I really want to tell those Sgt, Lts, and Co's where to stick it...
But on the other hand that is what THEY want,
for us to give up on our men/brothers/uncles/friends/fathers...
HELL NO!!!!!!!!!
5. When our men are home,
those lazy, bored, petty morons, will still BE THERE!
We're in this together, 'til the wheels fall off!
4. Ok ladies, I'm getting up at 3am to drive to Tehachapi!
I'm so excited. I know the ride will be long but well worth it!
Have a good day everyone and keep those heads up!
Don't sweat the time - it's gonna go fast, you watch and see!
